I was born and brought up in Japan but I choose to come to this country of the Queen and Afternoon Tea. I moved to London as a graduate student at Imperial College London years ago and every since I am a resident of this colourful capital.
I said this city is colourful but the Great Britain is a grey island as a matter of fact. I never got used to its unstable weather, lack of sunshine and almost non-existent summer which people here still call a Great British summer.
What's worse, I am a freelancer. It's supposed to be great, isn't it? This working style allegedly liberates people from dull office space and ever lasting 9-5 routine.
Nevertheless, I am not so happy.
I lost my daily chit-chat with co-workers and control over my holiday plans, missed so many friends birthday parties, and got fixated in mundane scenery of my lounge window unless I am on oversea shooting trips.
I am also well past the threshold of 30 yet single. The clock towards the big 40 is ticking. Surrounded by friends' wedding and newborn news, my low mood is easily accelerated. Yeah, pretty grim, right?
As an expat, I am far way from my family. Due to immigration rule changes in this decade, I lost many of my non-European friends and I am about to lose European friends soon presumably. As I work internationally, people I acquaint and make friends with are not close enough to hang out for last minute Friday night out. So I am a bit lonely.
That is the very reason why I am writing this post now.
Even I, a sarcastic human being, want to break out of this negative thoughts like any other person contemplating in this city along this trend of 'be happy' and I want to have fulfilling life like I must have had at one point in my life!
I am going to write this blog just to keep the track of my progress or no progress, or admonition to myself not doing anything about it or to make it clear what I am not happy about. It would be nice if someone finds it relatable. It is probably better to share even negative thoughts than not sharing!
At this moment, I am quite frustrated by the lack of materials and tools for Mental Training. There are a lot of information available, but I find them very abstract. I need something more substantial and concrete. Give me a treadmill or rowing machine for my brain, please!
So I shall explore the activities that could potentially induce a change and see what happens. Well, I am not so optimistic about it so more likely nothing will happen, but at least I have got something to work on, that would keep my mind busy and healthy.
As much as I dislike 'positive thinking' kind of activities, I don't mind keeping positive diary. One of the exercise that psychologists recommend, to write down three good things that happened to you on that day.
When I tried last time, I realised that it turned me to be a cynically positive person because it really forced me to dig out good sides of the seemingly negative experiences.
One of my notes goes like this:
'Although the train was annoyingly delayed, luckily I wasn't in a hurry and the platform was deserted, so I enjoyed an extra cup of coffee in nice breeze while waiting for the train.'
'I felt lethargic and I didn't feel like cooking. I just managed to drag myself to the supermarket and got myself a cheep ready-made Bolognese. I have to admit it was actually quite tasty.'
It makes me laugh when I am reading back these posts.
Unfortunately or fortunately, I had a straightforward nice weekend, it means I don't have a cynically funny positive diary post today. Sorry! Hahaha...